I miss you so much,Iam trying to distract my self by making my self believe that Iam happy ,but I miss you so much,I still can’t believe, can’t believe I won’t take care of you ,when you slowly age,and wash you hands after eating and walk you to places while your memories slowly fades, I know it’s selfish of me but I wanted you till then ,till you would forget everyone but me and look for me in familiar faces and only recognize me,I miss how you play with your mustache with your lower lip or how you were a morning a person ,everyday getting out of the bathroom back tilt humping those weird songs ,or how you like your tea ,very heavy with milk and sip so loudly,started annoying me after you left it is like Iam so In denial that I don’t wanna remember you at all ,I don’t think I will ever get my heart broken as bad you broke it for that Iam thankful ,cause my first broken heart was caused by my favorite man on the world, I love you dad. 

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I miss life 

-Do you miss him?- don’t know how to answer that 

“Silent”

-With all the prophets honesty I miss him,Death doesn’t let you say goodbye,it just cause a hole in your life ,in your future ,in your heart , he used to dwarf everything else ,was a real god sent. But it is not about that ,I feel like what I went thru ,what happened didn’t just make me sad ,Iam lost ,I don’t even know what I do ,or feel ,what is right or wrong ,and the worst thing is thinking that if he was here ,life won’t be like that .

-you miss you when he was around ?

-exactly that ,I miss everything ,I miss mom when he was there,how vulgar and mad she would be over silly stuff ,I miss my sisters when he was there ,I miss life when he was there,there’s something disturbing about recalling a warm memory and feeling utterly cold.something that will make you lose religion or turn you to a sheikh ,no in betweens.    

-I guess you can find god thru that 

-yeah. 

-that is both terrifying and exhilarating ,how are you now ?!

-trying to belong ,aren’t we all?,the worst time tho is at night when It hits you hard after day distraction ..

2017

It’s a new year,nothing changed ,my friend dad’s died ,I lied to her and told her:it will get better.

I know it won’t but I wanted her to feel better,what was I to tell her,that she will feel bad ,envy or hatred towards anyone when they talk about their dad,that she will hate happy days ,and crave alone days,that even when she feels happy it will be followed by guiltyness. 

I won’t

I miss you tho,so very much ,I was laying in my bed with my headphones on and Mohammed came and asked me if I remember something  you always used to say  when we are heading to a new year or eid or whatever ,how am I to forget ,so we sang it me and him and then I asked if he is good,he covered it up with denial ,like nothing happened,and I was gonna cry so I left the room.  

Like always,love you dad 

Rest In Peace 

I swear to god ,this sucks ,my memories of you is killing and Iam refusing to let it go ,I miss you so fucking much it mentally ,physically and emotionally hurts like shit ,I imagine you everywhere and I hate how I see mom missing you and can’t say anything about it cause u miss you too ,I can’t tell her that she will get over it ,cause she won’t ,I couldn’t and I didn’t share 1/2 of the stuff she did with you ,I can’t tell her that you are in a better place ,cause we know that but we miss you 

Fucking idiot

What sadden me the most is that Sometimes I look back to my life and think how the fuck didn’t I appreciate your existence,how the hell I wasn’t 24/7 happy and overwhelmed with your existence and why didn’t I pray that God will keep you for me,why didn’t I think about that.i know why cause I never thought in a million year that right now will happen,that what iam going thru can only be a
nightmare ending by you waking me up and kissing me on my jaw bone and I get chills from your beard

grief.

rabianoorstani

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Death.

The most feared, most final and absolute certainty in existence. We all know that it is a route we cannot avoid. It’s something we all face and endure with those whom we love.

There is nothing like losing a person you love. Whether its sudden or happening over a period of time, nothing on Earth can prepare one for the vacuum in which loss feels like.

Some days, feel great.

You remember to remember everything you love and the memories you carry about the person whom you lost from your life. But there are days, that are darker. Days where nothing can console you. Not even the warmth from the tears that fall upon your cheek, grazing the curves of your face. You can feel your loved one beside you. And you know they feel it too. And you think, perhaps its better this way. They are happy and…

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Death

I knew that the sadness I’ve sensed before wasn’t real, I knew that the minor disappointments of livelihood matters didn’t matter because after those unfortunate events I never tried to seek God for comfort, distractions worked
and they were never an unsolicited late night guest. This is what sadness feels like, it feels like an animals broken leg, a raindrop interbreeding with a lovers teardrop and camouflaging down their cheeks, like a helpless man with a suicidal friend or a flower that shows no devotion to it’s native land continuing to grow on foreign grounds, like a child’s despair when first reaching for words, maybe even like the planets orbiting obediently the sun, like the nights lonesome as the sun watched over playful children, like a wave embracing an oceans brink, like a spoilt milk on a Sunday morning, like a forgetful parent at the store with a child, like the nightingale’s Rose or an angel’s prayer, like a pair of chairs that only one is chosen when I want to rest, like uneven eyes on a painters canvas, like screaming without a mouth, like a blind man’s colour. All of those things resemble sadness, but I’ve seen sadness and he goes by the name of “death”.